Thursday, January 19, 2006

Top 100 Chuck Norris Facts

The full list is just too long to post in its entirety. But here is a taste of it, and a nudge in the right direction to read the rest of it. Nice job, eBay user aspang1!
Top 100 Chuck Norris Facts
  1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
  2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
  6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
  7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  8. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
  9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.
  10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
  11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
  12. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
  13. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
  14. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
  15. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
  16. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  17. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
  18. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  19. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
  20. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
  21. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
  22. ...
Check the comments for the rest of the list. Really, go ahead and click the COMMENTS link, or just go to the source. _____________________ Update (02-14-2006): Spreadshirt.com and Chuck Norris himself have teamed to bring you...
Use it wisely!

107 comments:

brainwise said...

The list continued ....

22. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. Arial">

23. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

24. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

25. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

26. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

27. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

28. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

29. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

30. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

31. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

32. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

33. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

34. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

35. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

36. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

37. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

38. Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.

39. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.

40. If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.

41. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

42. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

43. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

44. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

45. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

46. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

47. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

48. There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.

49. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

50. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

51. Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

52. When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

53. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

54. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

55. Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

56. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

57. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

58. Chuck Norris's urine was the main ingredient for balco's designer steroids. Therefore, Chuck Norris is actually the all-time single-season home run king.

59. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

60. Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

61. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

62. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

63. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

64. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".

65. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

66. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

67. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

68. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

69. Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

70. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

71. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

72. Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

73. When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

74. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

75. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

76. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

77. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

78. When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score a 1600.

79. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

80. When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

81. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

82. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

83. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

84. Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

85. In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

86. Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

87. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

88. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

89. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

90. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

91. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

92. Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the othe nine faint.

93. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.

94. Chuck Norris brings the noise AND the funk.

95. You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

96. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

97. When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them

98. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

99. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

100. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

101. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.


As I said in the post, you can go to the source.

Chuck Norris said...

102. The Marvel Comic series \"Fantastic Four\" was actually inspired by the super human powers found in Chuck Norris\' arms and legs.

Tom Wurm said...

Chuck Norris Uses Porkupines for tooth picks

Anonymous said...

you know
i google searched "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" and i did get results
there were a couple thousand sites that came up telling me that it was impossible!

Anonymous said...

Every time someone tries to make a fake picture of Chuck Norris crying, the Chuck Norris in the picture comes out and round house kicks you in the face. And even though it isn't as strong as the real Chuck Norris round house kick, it will put you in 13 different stages of coma.

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris dosnt wear hats.....Hats wear Chuck Norris

Anonymous said...

When asked who chuck norris looks up 2 he replied " any one better than me...So basiclly nobody.."

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris eats scraps for breakfest..he then craps out machines, thus roundhous kicking it back to scraps.

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris can infact float in the deadsea.

Anonymous said...

(imean sink)for joke above....

Anonymous said...

Everybody loves Ramond....except for Chuck Norris

alextdub said...

The only number divisible by zero is Chuck Norris.

Anyanka said...

Chuck Norris calls people he put into a coma "lucky"

Fan of Chuck Norris said...

The mysterious death of Bruce Lee isn't such a mystery. People saw in the movie that he "beat" Chuck Norris. The fact is that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee in the neck killing him instantly. The movie was finished with stand-ins, but Chuck Norris found out and killed them, the director, cast and crew and their families.

Ry G. Heb (Fan of Chuck Norris) said...

Chuck Norris once kicked a 747 out of the sky from several miles away. Then he ran and stopped it from crashing, saving the passengers.

Ry G. Heb (Fan of Chuck Norris) said...

Chuck Norris was modest enough to let them call his birthday "christmas" until the year 2010. After that it goes back to Chuckmas.

Anonymous said...

Chuck norris' mother did not become pregnant by a man. Chuck Norris was simply beating the crap out of God so much that he had to put Chuck Norris somewhere else. Chuck Norris allows GOD to think he is in control...for now!

Anonymous said...

musmurati.com

chuck norris dosent like foriners, foriner like chuck norris

Anonymous said...

Every time Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks someone in the face and angel gets it's wings. That angel is usually the receipient of said roundhouse kick to the face.

Anonymous said...

The active ingredient of axe bodyspray is Chuck Norris sweat.

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris doesn't do kegstands, kegs do Chuck Norris stands.

Anonymous said...

The Titanic wasn't actually sunk by an iceberg, they wouldn't sell Chuck Norris a ticket so he gave the ship a 100,009 mile head start, then he proceeded to swim across the ocean and roundhouse kicked a hole in the side... underwater.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

The dinosaurs didn't become extinct from the ice age, Chuck Norris went back in time and farted.

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris can solve the rubics cube with his penis.

Ry G. Heb (Fan of Chuck Norris) said...

If Chuck Norris were to ever die, he would not be buried or creamated, but mummified into the roundhouse kick position. All who spoke ill of him would be made to run face-first into his foot.

Ry G. Heb (Fan of Chuck Norris) said...

The tsunami that devistated Thailand in 2005 was a result of Chuck Norris practicing roundhouse kicks in the ocean off the shore of Australia. Note that this also caused hurricane Katrina.

Ry G. Heb (Fan of Chuck Norris) said...

Chuck Norris was to be knighted by the Queen of England. However, when she touched his shoulder with the sword it was taken as an act of aggression. The Queen was spared her life, but she walks with a limp and now uses a peacock feather to knight people.

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris has a night-light in his bedroom while he sleeps. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Isaac said...

If a tree falls in the woods does anyone hear it? Yes - Chuck Norris hears EVERYTHING

Isaac said...

The virgin mary puts out for chuck norris

Isaac said...

Did anyone ever see that episode of pinly and the brain, featuring chuck norris? they actually did take over the world!

isaac said...

DAMMIT i meant PINKY and the brain

Anonymous said...

Rumor has it that if you say Bloody Mary three times in a mirror with the lights off that she will come out of the mirror and kill you...the truth is that if you say Chuck Norris on the mirror 3 times he will bust out of the mirror and Round House Kick you in the face

Anonymous said...

sarah gough and lyn porter say:
people say you can kill two birds with one stone
chuck norris kills them with his bare hands.

Anonymous said...

Sarah gough and Lyn porter say:
back then they didn't want me now i'm hott hoes on all me.. i'm chuck norrrrrisss

Anonymous said...

recballer says.
micheal jordan is the best basketball player to ever play...... thats because chuck norris never played

Anonymous said...

sarah gough and lyn porter say:
freddy kruger is usually in people's nightmares until chuck norris came around
now he haunts freddys dreams.

Anonymous said...

chuck norris said that rich chilinksi will die soon.

Anonymous said...

sarah gough and lyn porter say:
chuck norris says briken13 isn't sweet.

Anonymous said...

chuck norris can steal anyones identity

Anonymous said...

even rich chilinski's

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris does not believe in the art of Carbon 13 dating. He usually skips right to Carbon 13 sex.

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris does nothing and gets a Klondike Bar.

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris once told Stevie Wonder to "Stop playing with it."

Anonymous said...

Batman is known for his intelligence and drive. Superman is known for his invulnurability. Chuck Norris is known for roundhouse-kicking both of them to their doom.

Anonymous said...

Waldo is hiding from Chuck Norris.

Anonymous said...

The Cat in the Hat once came to Chuck Norris' house and made a huge mess. Chuck Norris then roundhouse-kicked him into a cartoon like existence.

Anonymous said...

Who dat is my baby daddy? It's Chuck Norris.

Anonymous said...

Silly rabbit, Trix are for Chuck Norris.

Anonymous said...

Some say that Chuck Norris is merely an urban legend created by overworked law enforcement agents to frighten bikers and ticket scalpers. After hearing such slanderous chatter, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked all urban legends, just to be on the safe side.

Anonymous said...

In the original Matrix, Chuck Norris was the one. The Matrix we live in today is controlled by Chuck Norris.

Anonymous said...

When death has collected his dues, he may finally be able to pay back Chuck Norris the money he owes him.

Jimmy Eat Poison said...

You know that famous shot heard around the world. That was actually Chuck Norris spitting out a watermelon seed.

Jimmy Eat Poison said...

Chuck Norris was going to play Superman in the original movie, but the producers said they wanted a "clean shaven" actor. Chuck Norris didn't mind cause he didn't want to look like a sissy anyway. That's why he spared Christopher Reeves' life and ONLY left him paralyzed from the neck down.

Anonymous said...

Meatloaf would do anything for love...except fight Chuck Norris.

Chels #24 said...

Why do we have so many forensic scientists, detectives, and sketch artists? It's a known fact that every assault and murder can be traced back to Chuck Norris.

Chels #24 said...

When Chuck Norris golfs, he doesn't use clubs. He roundhouse kicks the ball and it lands in the hole.

Anonymous said...

helen of troy has the face that could launch 1000 ships, chuck norris has a face that scares them all away

Anonymous said...

whenever chuck norris plays golf he gets a hole in one...(because the ball wants to hide from him)

Anonymous said...

chuck norris wears an anti-reaper necklace to keep the grim reaper away. not beacause hes afraid of the reaper. but beacause the reaper is afraid of him

Anonymous said...

some people will do anything if they lose a bet...(fighting chuck norris not incuded)

Anonymous said...

When Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked himself out of his mothers woom his mother didnt name him he said "i'm Chuck Norris" and then roundhouse kicked the doctor in the face for touching him. in result to this force everyone in the hospital died

Anonymous said...

chuck norris saved 16% on car insurrance by switching to geico.... although all the cars he pass' drive off the road in fear.

Anonymous said...

chuck norris doesn't go on the safe side. he is the safe side

Anonymous said...

in the movie 300 the spartens were awesome. "the reason" chuck norris trained them for 10 minutes

Anonymous said...

chuck norris can do a wheelie... backwards

Anonymous said...

EVERY year Chuck Norris has to have a penis reduction... by 6 inches

Anonymous said...

a blind man once steped on chuck norris shoe chuck ask do you know who i am? the blind man says no. chuck says im chuck norris. the sound of the name cured the mans blind ness unfortanetly the first the last and the only thing the man saw was a fatal roundhouse kick by chuck norriss

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.

Anonymous said...

some kids piss their name in the snow. chuck norris can piss his name into concrete

Anonymous said...

chuck norris can drown a fish

Anonymous said...

chuck norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil

Anonymous said...

chuck norris use pickup lines,he simply says "now"

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris is airport security...

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris is Santa... his bag is full of his victims...

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris is everyone's hero...

Anonymous said...

People watch for U.F.Os, U.F.Os watch for Chuck Norris

Anonymous said...

Its not real unless Chuck Norris sees it (thats why suspitions are held about the Bible)

Anonymous said...

Why Don't Gays come out of the closet, because they know Chuck Norris is waiting for them just to roundhouse kick them back in

Anonymous said...

The Apocalypse is another name for Chuck Norris is really pissed off

Anonymous said...

You say "why is Chuck Norris so great" I reply "because where else would have Superman gotten his powers (from when Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked him so hard that some of his powers transferred to him)"

Anonymous said...

Hey Joe - Chuck Norris Loves u then roundhouse kicks u three times around the earth
-Eric

Anonymous said...

The Atom Bomb is also referred to the toilet after Chuck Norris just got off of it

Anonymous said...

eric..... chuck norris is gonna roundhouse kick your vagina off:)

Anonymous said...

chuck norris is adam and eve...........

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris is always Capitalized because if its not Chuck Norris will hunt u down and Rounhouse kick u back into the womb
-Eric

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris makes men turn gay......

Anonymous said...

chuck norris roundhouse kicked the soup nazi from seinfield all the way back to germany....
-joe

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris Sleeps with other men, not because he is gay but because he simply runs out of women

Anonymous said...

"chuck norris!" is what the japanese people are really screaming in the godzilla movies...
-joe

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris is really good at Algebra Because he stares the problem down until it gives him the answer

Anonymous said...

osama bin laden is hiding from chuck norris......
-joe

Anonymous said...

The most dangerous animal in the world is not and animal but Chuck Norris

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris does not spell Bolony B-O-L-O-G-N-A

Anonymous said...

ozzy and eden:
Chuck Norris IS the Sum of all Fears.

Anonymous said...

ozzy and eden:
Chuck Norris once fell in a volcano he almost drown

Anonymous said...

ozzy and eden:
you know how kids were superman pajamas will superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas

Anonymous said...

ozzy and eden:
the Bermuda Triangle used to be a square until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked an angle off of it.

Anonymous said...

ozzy and eden:
in the pleage of allegiance america is under god....god is under Chuck Norris

Anonymous said...

ozzy and eden:
elvis has left the buliding.....becase of Chuck Norris

Anonymous said...

ozzy and eden:
Osama Bin laden wrote an insult to Chuck Norris. He was never heard from or seen again.

Anonymous said...

Jeseus can walk on water. Chuck norris can swin threw land

Anonymous said...

Boogie Mans smart because he checks for Chuck Norris every night when he goes to sleep.

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris is a good guy he doesn't piss in snow. But in concrete. His piss must be tough

Anonymous said...

Know why Waldo is hiding for????? He's hiding because of Chuck Norris. But ya know Waldos gonna die anyways cause hes going to end up as food

Anonymous said...

Death didn't have the courage to tell Chuck Norris he died 10 years ago. But Chuck going to kill him if he does so Death better watch out!













































































































































































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